


Drowning

by Only_Slightly_Obsessed (A_Stressed_Cupcake)



Series: Ayamatsu [1]
Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Missing Scene, Poor Julius, Pride If, Spoilers for Ayamatsu, ayamatsu, if you've read Ayamatsu you know, this is a missing moment of a canon divergence, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29738172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Stressed_Cupcake/pseuds/Only_Slightly_Obsessed
Summary: The note came in around sundown.It was small, neatly written, and the most disturbing thing Julius had seen in months. He should have expected some sort of incident that would clue him in as to where Felix had been, he had expected it, in fact, but receiving a letter directly from the missing person in question? That could either be very good or very bad, and he didn’t trust either.____A missing moment from the Pride!IF side story.Spoilers for Ayamatsu!! If you want to read it without being spoiled don't read this story.
Relationships: Felix Argyle | Ferris & Julius Juukulius | Julius Euclius
Series: Ayamatsu [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2205609
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Drowning

The note came in around sundown. 

It was small, neatly written, and the most disturbing thing Julius had seen in months. He should have expected some sort of incident that would clue him in as to where Felix had been, he _had_ expected it, in fact, but receiving a letter directly from the missing person in question? That could either be very good or very bad, and he didn’t trust either. He didn’t trust any letter that begged him to show up alone and keep quiet about it, actually. 

But that logic failed to consider one very important thing.

Sure, it was suspicious to ask him to come alone, but there was not a doubt in his mind that the letter was from Felix. He compared the letter to every single sample of his writing he had available. It was the same, down to the way he dotted the _i_ , the little swirl at the bottom of every _s_ , his signature. It was perfectly identical. In his experience, forgeries were rarely that perfect. 

The one difference between the old letters and that note was the tone. It conveyed a desperate urgency that he wasn’t willing to ignore. 

There were only two options regarding that letter. 

One, Felix was being honest and needed help from _him_ , specifically, but for whatever reason couldn’t be seen in public or trust anyone else. 

Two, it was a trap set by someone who may have had something to do with his disappearance.

Either way, it was the only lead he had.

He decided long before leaving the house that he would honour the conditions set by the letter. The biggest risk he would run if he followed those rules was his life. The biggest risk he would run if he didn’t comply could be just about anything, ranging from Felix’s safety to that of whoever he called to assist him. It wouldn’t be easy to figure out exactly who they were dealing with, he knew that much, and until he knew he couldn’t be sure any plan other than doing what he was told would be safe.

He did take _one_ precaution. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going, as requested, but he left the letter in the first drawer of his desk. If he didn’t return, someone was sure to find it.

The address pointed him to a bar that had long since closed for the day. Or it should have. In reality, he could see a sliver of light coming from under the door. 

They’d left it open, as he soon found out. 

The entire room was scarcely illuminated by a single candle on the counter, which must have been lit no more than an hour prior, if its length was any indication. Someone was there, or had been there recently, no doubt, but the mere fact that he couldn’t see anyone at all upon entering the room was enough to make him draw his sword.

 _They said to come alone, not unarmed,_ he thought, but it wasn’t as reassuring as he’d hoped. 

Even less so, when a floorboard creaked behind him. 

He had the sword to their neck before they could do anything, but it didn’t last. His eyes met Felix’s and he put it down immediately. 

“Felix.” he breathed, “It’s… you’re here.”

“As I said I would be.” he pointed out. His tail flicked: “Why? Didn’t you believe me?”

He looked… fine. For the most part. There was no indication he'd escaped captivity or had someone keeping an eye on him, but Felix could be a very good actor when he needed to.

Julius didn’t put the sword away just yet: “I’ve never seen a letter that was so concerningly worded. Are you here alone?”

He felt just a little reassured when Felix replied without a single moment’s hesitation: “Yes. Do you want to put that away? You’re scraping the floor.”

He was right. The sword had, indeed, already left a dent in one of the floorboards. Once he’d looked around every corner of the bar where someone could possibly hide, he breathed a sigh of relief and sheathed it: “I’m sorry. I had to be sure.”

Felix looked almost offended: “I’m not a liar.”

“Lying isn’t the worst thing someone would do if they had no choice.”

That gave him pause.

“You’re right.” Felix admitted, “But I did have a choice there.”

He walked up to Julius with a half smile: “Relax, will you? Think of this as just another after work trip to the bar.”

Julius wasn’t the type to explode, but then, Felix was very good at pushing people’s buttons.

“But it _isn’t!_ ” he exclaimed, “Where have you been all this time? We’ve looked all over for you! We were worried. You’ve never disappeared for this long, and now you call me to a closed bar in the middle of the night, telling me to come alone, asking me for help, and you expect me to be _relaxed_?”

Felix’s ears fell: “I know this must sound insane." he said, placatingly, "And a little stupid. I’ll… tell you over a drink?”

“The bar is closed.”

His friend placed a few coins on the counter: “I’m sure they won’t mind. I think we could both use a drink right now. Don’t you?”

That wasn't out of the ordinary for Felix.

Even less unusual was the way he immediately lifted Julius’s arm to slide under it. That was almost a signature move for Felix at that point, to give people all the awkward side hugs their heart desired, but he hadn’t seen him in _months._ Julius let all the lingering stress of the past few months rush through his veins and returned the hug.

Felix’s tail flicked: "You never do that." he pointed out, his voice muffled into Julius’s shoulder.

"I know. I was worried."

"Well, okay." Felix made no attempt to leave the hug: "As you can see, hear and now feel, I'm alive and well."

They pulled apart feeling just a little better. Julius, at least, felt well enough to sit next to his friend at the counter. It was when Felix was pouring them a glass that he noticed the only unfamiliar thing on his person: a silver ring, on his left middle finger, with a large black stone in the center. 

"That's new." he commented.

Felix stopped pouring for just a moment.

"Yeah." he said, sliding one glass towards him, "I found it in my old family things some time ago. I kind of like it."

"It's pretty."

"Thanks."

"But I want to know where _you_ were." said Julius, "You said you would tell me over a drink."

Felix twirled the glass in his hands: “I did, didn’t I?”

Without waiting for an answer, he took a long sip and turned towards him with a tired smile: “The truth is, after the battle with the White Whale, I needed time to myself. I looked in the mirror that night and saw a stranger. I looked around and saw strangers everywhere. It was like I’d been… switched out with someone else, if that makes sense, and I just… I needed to find _me_ again.”

“Did you?”

“I did.” Felix’s smile widened, “I found him, and it’s heaven. I’ve found the purpose I was looking for. I know you were worried, but don’t be. I feel the best I’ve ever felt, honest!”

Julius wasn’t sure he believed that. There was a manic edge to his friend’s smile, an unfamiliar glint in his eyes. But Felix always looked somewhat mischievous. Was it really anything to worry about? 

“You’re a good liar, Felix.”

Felix flinched.

“Good enough that I’m prepared to doubt you…” he continued, “...but not good enough that I’m ready to believe you yet.”

Felix recovered quickly enough: “Now why would you say that?” he pouted, “I’m not lying about this. I feel better than before. I’ll… reluctantly… agree that I don’t feel amazing, but I feel so much better than before that I can hardly notice the empty parts.”

He raised his glass and swirled the liquid inside only a few inches away from his face. His eyes were distorted in the curves of the glass: “Half full is still more than empty.”

"Were you empty? Is that it?"

"That's the closest word I can find. Yes."

Julius stared into his glass. It was frightening. He hadn’t seen Felix slip away, he couldn’t remember him ever losing his purpose like he claimed he had, but the signs were all there. At least, that was what his memories told him, but there was something, akin to a veil, over Felix’s figure. He remembered that they were friends, he remembered that he’d been worried, but there was something. Not Felix, not exactly, but the figure of someone standing beside him. 

There was another person, wasn’t there? 

They must not have talked much, them and Julius. He couldn’t seem to remember anything about them. 

He shook his head to dissipate that strange fog: “So, you’ve found your new purpose. What is it?”

“The same it’s always been,” Felix declared, bouncing in his seat, “to serve and protect. I’d lost it for a while, but it’s here again, and I’m sure of it.”

There was something wrong with that statement. 

Julius frowned: “Felix, you’ve never served anyone.”

There was something wrong with _that_ statement, too. But how could that be? Felix didn’t work for anyone, right? He never had. He joined in to help anyone he could, but there was no one who had, or even deserved, his complete loyalty. Right?

Felix’s smile fell and he knew he’d said something wrong.

“I do now.” he said, quieter than before, “I’ve found the one I can live by and die for. My loyalty is earned, I know it. You understand, right?”

“Of course. I’m just surprised to hear this coming from you.”

“We all change, Julius. There is a place for each of us. Sometimes we need to take a moment and go find it. No matter what it is.” he murmured.

The smile returned. 

Again, there was something wrong with it. Again, he couldn’t figure out what it was.

“I understand.” was all he could say. 

Felix beamed at him. Wrong. _Wrong_ , all wrong.

“Felix?”

“Mh?”

“Who is this person you’re talking about? I want to know the one who was able to earn your loyalty when no one else could.”

Felix seemed to retreat into a shell then: “I can’t tell you yet. You’ll find out, though, very soon, I can promise you that.”

Promise. Felix knew better than to treat promises lightly, especially with spirit arts users. It made him feel a little safer.

“You can promise it, you say. Will you?”

“I do.” said Felix, without a moment’s hesitation. 

He wasn’t lying. There was no way he was lying. It made him feel safe. Julius felt his shoulders relax: “Alright. I trust you.”

Felix’s ears twitched: “Bad idea.”

“No, it isn’t. You know better than to lie to your friends. You, of all people, know it.”

That seemed to strike something.

“You’re very trusting.”

“You’ve earned my trust.”

For a moment, Felix looked like he was about to answer. _Actually_ answer, that is. Instead, he just nodded and hastily changed the subject: “Did you hear something?”

Julius frowned: “No. What did you he-”

A muffled crash from outside. That was when Felix’s hands started trembling. And it didn’t escape him. 

He stood up.

“Felix.” he whispered, “Stay here. It’s safe in here. There’s no way to get in but the front door. I’m going to look outside. Don’t move.”

He found himself reaching for Felix’s arm almost unconsciously. He wasn’t shaking anymore, but he didn’t stop him when he walked to the door with his sword drawn. He didn’t stop him from taking a step or two outside and looking around for the source of the noise.

Nothing. 

Well, not nothing. Somewhere on his right, he spotted the remains of what must’ve been a vase. From the darkness, two yellow eyes blinked guiltily at him. 

A cat.

Julius sighed in relief and retreated back into the bar. When he looked at Felix again, he was fiddling nervously with his ring, presumably waiting for the news.

“It was just a cat.” said Julius, “No one’s out there.”

“Just a cat.” Felix repeated.

“Yes. It’s alright.”

“It’s alright now. Okay." he breathed. The ring wasn't as shiny as before, with all the fingerprints he'd left on it in his nervous fidgeting. He finally left it alone in favour of taking another long sip from his glass.

He sighed heavily.

When Julius went for his own glass, he placed a hand on his wrist to stop him.

"Julius, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

It took him a moment to formulate the question.

"Do you think…" his lip trembled, "Do you think that everybody deserves forgiveness?"

The question was worrying, but easy enough to answer. He decided to humour him.

"No." he answered, honestly, and Felix visibly flinched, "In my experience, there's only one criteria that can truly decide whether or not I should forgive someone."

"And… and what would that be?" he asked, almost desperately.

Julius snuck a glance at his friend's shaking hand before he could find it in himself to finish his point: "I think only those who are truly, genuinely sorry can hope to be forgiven. Apologies mean everything if they come from the heart, and nothing if they don't."

Felix's hand stopped shaking.

He seemed rather calm all of a sudden.

"That's so lovely, but I disagree. Some things are too horrible to forgive, no matter how sorry they are." he stated, simply, in that matter-of-fact way he stated all his opinions.

Julius shrugged: "We shall agree to disagree, then."

When Felix finally let go of his wrist, he took the first sip of his lukewarm drink. It wasn’t the best, but it was refreshing enough. It tasted almost… soapy, though.

It wasn’t surprising. They weren’t exactly in an elite part of town. Who could say what they watered down their drinks with?

There were more important things to think about, though. And something to discuss with Felix. He turned to his friend, who was tapping his finger against the table, probably to relieve the nervousness that lingered around him.

"Reinhard has been looking for you, too. Does he know you're here?" he asked.

Felix's tail flicked: "No. No, he doesn’t. But I'll let him know very soon. As soon as I've left this bar. Reinhard draws too much attention and I don't want to be seen in public just yet."

"I understand, but then…"

"I wanted to see you." he shrugged, "Him too, of course, but you're much easier to reach in secret. And you're closer to here. Is Reinhard in this city right now?"

"Yes. On the opposite side, but…"

"That's already too far for now." Felix muttered, "But it's fine. He'll know I was here soon enough."

He was still tapping.

A shiver ran down Julius’s spine. It was like the temperature had dropped. When he spoke, his already soft voice came out a bit quieter than usual: "He was worried too. I'm glad you wanted to see me, but do find the time to pay him a visit someday. I can’t guarantee he won't smother you upon seeing you again, but…"

"As we've established, I don’t mind hugs." smiled Felix. There was something forced in that smile. It made Julius want to find out what.

"You know, you still haven't answered that first question. Where have you been all this time, exactly?" he asked him, hoping to find an opening.

Felix didn’t provide one: "Oh, wandering. Away from people, generally speaking. Until, of course, I found who I was looking for."

"How did you meet them?"

"They… helped me. I was having a bad moment and they helped me climb out of the pit I was digging myself into."

His face broke into a soft smile at that. Even then, even in that most innocent expression, there was something wrong. It scared Julius.

His heart was pounding, he realised, for no discernible reason. He took a deep breath. It didn’t help much. Maybe it was the tapping. It seemed almost too… rhythmic to be a nervous tic.

"I'm glad you found someone like that. You deserve to find your way." he smiled. The smile was sincere. It was just a bit crooked from how hard it was to breathe normally. Felix noticed it anyway.

He frowned: "Are you in pain?"

"No, no…" he shook his head, "Just… dizzy, I suppose. I don’t think I should drink so much. I don’t usually… not at this hour, anyway."

"Mh…"

"It's fine." he assured him, "I'm fine."

"That's good. Just relax, okay?"

"What?" he wheezed. Why was he wheezing?

"It's okay. I know I worried you, but it's okay now." 

Felix had stopped tapping. He smiled, and there was desperation written into every inch of his face: "You don't have to worry anymore."

"Felix, you're scaring me."

He hated how childish his voice sounded when he said that.

"I know. I'm sorry." Felix nodded, "Put down the glass."

His hands were going numb. Why were his hands going numb? And why was Felix suddenly so close?

He shook his head.

"Julius, put down the glass."

_What's happening?_

Felix plucked the glass from his hand. He only knew because he saw it. His arm was numb. Pins and needles climbed their way up his forearm and his hand had already lost sensitivity entirely. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t breathe. A single glass was enough to drown him. Drown. That’s what it felt like.

_I’m drowning._

_Help me._

_I’m drowning._

"Oh no…" he heard Felix whisper, far away, "It's… I'm sorry, it was the fastest I could find. Don't fight, it'll hurt less."

He gazed into the glass and pondered: "Maybe a higher dose would've… it's okay. Here."

Before he knew it, the glass was raised to his lips again. He gasped, without realising, and the drink burned his throat on its way down into his lungs. He coughed up whatever was left in his mouth.

"No, no, relax." pleaded Felix, "If you just relax it'll be faster."

With whatever strength he had left, Julius yanked his head away. 

The glass fell.

“This… is…”

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn’t want to do this. I really, really didn’t.”

_I’m drowning._

He tried to reach out; why, he didn’t know. For help, maybe. He pressed his elbow to the countertop in an attempt to keep himself upright. 

The world shifted from under him and he was on the floor. He barely felt the shards of glass digging into his chest as he tried to look back up at Felix. Trying to ask him a single question.

_Why?_

From somewhere in the bar, there was movement. A chair scraping against the floor. 

A whistle.

“Can agree with you being called Impeccable, Sir Julius.”

He thought he answered, but he could hardly hear his own voice. It was an insult, he was sure. From the ground, he could only see the edge of what looked like a black cloak. His blood froze.

The clothes were unmistakable. A disciple of the Witch.

The man was disturbingly young for a witch cultist, he realised upon finally finding the strength to look up. His dark hair was tousled by the hood he’d pulled over his head and his demeanor was unlike anything he’d ever seen. Mean eyes, surprisingly alive for a follower of the witch cult, stared down at Julius from beside him.

“But…” the young man sighed, “if you were thinking more about your position, you would’ve best paid to be a little more mindful of others. You’re the Knight of a Royal Selection candidate who’s sitting at peak popularity. You gotta factor in that it’s not just your master, you’re gonna be targeted too. Though…”

He seemed to retreat into his thoughts a little.

The realisation caught up to Julius. He was right, of course, he should have been more careful, but it was Felix. It was just Felix. Felix was more honorable than that. 

At least, he thought to himself, it wasn’t his lady choking on her own breath on the floor of a bar. At least it wasn’t her. She was more careful than that.

No matter how safe, though, he wasn’t going to lay down and die if he had any say in it. He dragged himself up on his elbows and a piece of glass dug further down into his side. The moment his efforts doubled was the moment he saw where the cultist’s hand was going. 

_Don’t touch him._

Something was wrong.

Why wasn’t Felix running? Why wasn’t he fighting? Why was he just sitting there, why did the tension in his shoulders melt when the young man reached for him, why did he smile when he patted his head? 

Why had Felix…

“Fh…” he tries.

_Felix._

“Fhel… is… you-”

The mysterious young man smiled without an ounce of kindness or joy. He knelt to get a little closer to Julius and spoke quietly, almost like he was telling him a secret: “You know it took me some pretty good effort to capitalize on his grieving?”

_Grieving?_

“Never thought I’d end up putting in so much trouble for anyone’s life except hers. Did pay off though.” he added, glancing over his shoulder at Felix. 

It made his skin crawl with the same pins and needles that he could feel on his arms. So it was his fault. He was the one Felix served. That man, too young for the cult, was his murderer.

“What-” he gasped, “What scheme are you…”

He was cut off by an ill-timed cough. The cultist poked at his shoulder jokingly, and he’d never felt a stronger urge to get away: “It has nothing to do with you anymore. Relax. My guess is, if you’re gone, then your master won’t suffer any damages and things’ll go good for her. Mmh, dunno what’ll happen if she rallies herself though.”

That had to be a threat. Was it working? He wasn’t sure anymore. He could hardly feel his own emotions over the pain in his lungs.

The young man stood up to stretch his arms and chuckled: “An old friend calls you to go drinking, and the first sip you get this. Trust sure is a sweet poison, Mister Impeccable. You drowned in it, and miscalculated.”

 _Drowned_ was the right word. He felt like his head was underwater. 

_Poison_ was another perfect word. 

_Poison._

_The new ring._

_Poison._

_All those questions._

_Poison._

_That strange taste._

_Poison._

_I’ve been poisoned._

_I’m drowning._

_I’m drowning!_

His hand reached out in a blind panic when he stopped breathing entirely, missing Felix’s ankle by less than an inch. Felix. He’d been in the background throughout that whole monologue, looking down at him with a mix of sorrow and what almost seemed like confusion, hidden behind a thick, slowly cracking layer of indifference. He said something, again, and his lips read: “I’m really sorry.”

 _Can you forgive me?_ was what he wanted to say. 

He lacked the strength and the air to answer what he wanted. All he had were his eyes.

_Yes, I forgive you!_

_I forgive you!_

_Please, just get away from him._

_Get away from here._

_Run._

The numbness spread to his chest. The darkness at the edge of his vision fell like a curtain over his eyes, hiding Felix from view.

If he heard something after that, he didn’t have time to think about it before his heart stopped beating. 

_____._____

Outside the bar, they watched the former merchant drive off with a corpse hidden in his cart. 

Subaru could tell there was something on Blue’s mind. He could even tell what it was. But he certainly didn’t want him to catch on to that part, so he turned to ask him, as innocently as he could: “Well, you look upset. I thought you said you had this in the bag…?”

“I did!” he hurriedly answered, and his tail gave a nervous flick: “it’s just… that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“What wasn’t?”

“He was just supposed to sleep. Sleep forever, of course, but…” his breath seemed to catch in his throat, “It wasn’t supposed to make him choke like that. It wasn’t supposed to hurt! Did I get the poisons mixed up?”

His hands were shaking. He seemed to relax when Subaru gave a friendly pat on the top of his head: “I have no idea.” he shrugged.

His hand instinctively found the small pocket hidden in the folds of his cloak and closed around a little silver ring full of poison.

“No idea.”

**Author's Note:**

> I knew from the moment I read that scene that I had to write something about it. I revel in canon divergence but, alas, sometimes canon wins. Sorry :(  
> Though tbh knowing me anything can turn into a canon divergence so we shall see.
> 
> -Rémy


End file.
